My Name is Jacob

This past week I was re-acquainted with an "old" friend. His name is Jacob (well, his name WAS Jacob... we'll get to that part). I have never met Jacob, but somehow I know that he and I are kindred spirits, though that is to neither of our credit.

I speak of Jacob in the Bible-- the Jacob who manipulated until he got his brother's birthright, the bride of his dreams, and the things his soul desired. Yes... THAT Jacob. I had never thought that Jacob and I resembled each other, until I read an article by a friend of mine in which he emphasized Jacob as the manipulator. I realized that I, like Jacob, have been used to getting my own way (subtlety, of course, but getting my own way nonetheless). Recently, I have not been able to get my way in anything-- summer plans, college plans, work plans, relationship plans, financial plans-- all of them gone awry. It seemed as if the heavens were silent; where was God in all of this?! Surely, all of these things were His will, right?! I wanted my way, and I wanted it badly. This led, of course, to frustration, then discouragement, then bitterness, then depression. I was miserable on the inside, but hoping no one would notice on the outside. I flattered myself that I had a pretty good "cover" and that none (but the very astute) would know the true tale of my inward misery and perceived "pain." Even though I was miserable, there was some small comfort in being miserable; after all, I knew that the price I would have to pay to get rid of the miserableness was to run to God, and I was bitter at Him for messing up "my plans." So, going to Him was not an option. Thus, like Jacob of old, I ran.

In Genesis 32, Jacob is running from Laban, his father-in-law, but in running from Laban, he is running right toward his brother, Esau, who had threatened to kill him the last time they saw each other! Jacob was trapped; sandwiched in between two men he very much wanted to avoid. Jacob began his manipulating and planning again; sending gifts to Esau, separating his caravan into two groups, sending away his wives and children-- all in an attempt to avoid the inevitable. I can only imagine that Jacob felt that this was one of the most crucial moments in his life-- after all, he could die if he met Esau! His sinful manipulating ways had finally caught up with him, and there was only One to Whom he could turn. The Bible says, "Then Jacob was left alone." The next verses recount the wrestling match between God and Jacob, the manipulator. One can only imagine the colossal struggle-- on the one side, Almighty God, who could have squished Jacob like a bug, and on the other side, finite, weak Jacob. Yet, God allowed Jacob to wrestle Him, though all the while Jacob was weakening further as God sustained his grasp. Then, God touched the hollow of Jacob's thigh-- how painful that must have been! Yet, Jacob persisted, saying, "I won't let you go till you bless me!" At that point, God changed the name of the manipulator Jacob to Israel, from whom would come one day the Messiah. After that day, Jacob walked with a limp-- a stark, physical reminder of his encounter with God.

Jacob was running-- the only place he could turn was to God. Yet, it is interesting to note that, while he asked God for deliverance, he did not wrestle with God until he was all alone. Everything was gone from him (though everything and everyone was still presumably close by) and the only place of refuge to Whom he could run was God. He was trapped. I, like my friend Jacob, have felt trapped, yet I was unwilling to run to God because of my bitterness toward Him. I, like Jacob, have felt the breath of the "Hound of Heaven" on my heels as I ran in desperate rebellion, unwilling to change my sinful ways. I, like Jacob, have wrestled with God and felt the strength being sapped from my being as His awesome power has overtaken me. I, like Jacob, in desperation have cried, "I won't let you go till you bless me!" Through the flood of tears and prayers that emanated from my soul, joy slowly permeated my being. It is of God's grace that I came to the point of brokenness, and it is of God's grace that I have the seedlings of a budding passion and vision rekindled again within my soul. With much shame I realized that it was not only my name that was being stained with sin, but GOD'S. Of what account is my own name? Nothing! Of what account is God's name? EVERYTHING! The thought of besmirching the very name and glory of God by my rebellion was almost too much to be borne.

May it be with me that God will see fit to change my name from "Jacob" to "Israel," that He may use this life for His honor and glory!

alc

Note: Credit to whom credit is due. In this case, credit goes to Jeremiah Sandahl and his blog http://rejoicingingod.blogspot.com for pointing out the passage that God used to break my will. Several of the insights contained in this blog were pointed out by him. Thanks, Jeremiah, for being an "iron sharpens iron" friend! :-)