Once Upon a Time... Part Two
It was now about a month after that fateful Christmas program. No one knew what turmoil that evening had put me through (except Verity, Sara, and my parents). To everyone else's eyes life continued as normal. Well... as normal as a Chanda Panda life ever is. :-)
In January of 2007 I found myself at Northland Baptist Bible College taking a block grad class called "Cross Cultural Communication." It was a great class... and randomly, my best guy friend's name kept popping up, and I was thinking, "Ooh, he'd love this!" or "Ooh, I wish he were here and we could reminisce about past ministry", etc. THAT was disconcerting... I had surrendered to God (or thought I had) and here I kept thinking about this guy instead of being able to just think of him as being a really good friend. As I recall, I emailed him several times during that week-- something I hadn't initiated in a while.
Fast-forward to March, 2007. Life was miserable. I was in the depths of a spiritual depression... God had let me down, I was confused, and I was not seeking His face. Yet, I still wanted to serve Him-- my way. I tried to go on a missions trip to China-- God said, "No." This friend of mine had asked me to go to the Dominican Republic with him... this time, God very clearly spoke to me and said, "No. He must go alone." I was disillusioned, discouraged, and as far from God as I could probably get. However... God in His mercy rescues His "Jacob" children (see post entitled "My Name is Jacob")... and in early April God had broken me and put me back together again. I found a joy and contentment that I had never known before.
From April to August I relished that new-found contentment. I had told the Lord that I would be willing to do whatever He wanted, go wherever He wanted, and be single for the rest of my life (which looked like a fairly certain prospect, in my mind). I felt that the single servant's life for me included going to grad school and getting my education degree. So, that summer I worked and applied to grad school at my parent's encouragement. Still... something about that wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it didn't seem like what God wanted. However... I pressed on.
On August 1st, we received a phone call that rocked my world-- my grandma had cancer. On August 2nd, I received a phone call that further rocked my world-- I had been denied admission to grad school. The next two weeks involved surgery for my grandma, visits to Milwaukee to be with her, and visits and phone calls to colleges to try and salvage my graduate college education and still get into classes by the end of August. I met barrier after barrier, until finally I gave up and determined that God had, once again, put roadblocks in my path to keep me from doing something that wasn't His will.
At that point, I came to a life-altering decision-- I would stay in Wautoma and teach, and I would no longer "spin my wheels" and seek to make things happen in my life. If God wanted me to leave Wautoma, then God would have to do it. Otherwise, I just planned on teaching at Faith Christian Academy for the rest of my life-- seriously. And that was all right-- because I knew God was in it, and I had learned (the hard way!) that God can be trusted and that God is faithful.
Meanwhile, back to my "friend"... I saw him several times that spring and summer. God was doing AMAZING things in his life... opening doors in his life while God was at the same time closing doors in mine. I was excited for my friend... but I was a bit miffed, too, because he was getting to do all the things that God had denied me. My friend was going to move out of state because he had been offered a ministry job... my friend was going to be at Christian Youth in Action training for two weeks full-time while I would only be there part-time... my friend was going to spend the summer in the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico. And even more distressing... that "list" of objections that I had always had about marrying this friend of mine began to disappear. As I ministered with him and spent time with him that summer, I began to realize that God was making him into the kind of man that I could spend the rest of my life with.
But, I had surrendered to singleness... and I was happy in singleness!! And this friend of mine was NOT thinking romantic thoughts toward me... I knew that. But yet... here I was, thinking that he'd make some girl an awfully good husband. And I was starting to think that maybe I wanted that girl to be... me. But, no... I wasn't going to go down that path and be disappointed. So, I prayed. I prayed that God's will would be done... in his life, and in mine. And I prayed that God would use us in the ministries He had given to us.
September, 2007, found me at my friend's parents' house at his going away/ birthday party. It was a family affair, really... yet I was invited. I felt completely at home... yet a little out of place as pretty much the only "non-family" member. He was moving to Missouri... and I was staying in Wisconsin. And so I said goodbye to my friend... and goodbye to any thought that there could ever be anything more between us than a deep friendship.
To be continued....
In January of 2007 I found myself at Northland Baptist Bible College taking a block grad class called "Cross Cultural Communication." It was a great class... and randomly, my best guy friend's name kept popping up, and I was thinking, "Ooh, he'd love this!" or "Ooh, I wish he were here and we could reminisce about past ministry", etc. THAT was disconcerting... I had surrendered to God (or thought I had) and here I kept thinking about this guy instead of being able to just think of him as being a really good friend. As I recall, I emailed him several times during that week-- something I hadn't initiated in a while.
Fast-forward to March, 2007. Life was miserable. I was in the depths of a spiritual depression... God had let me down, I was confused, and I was not seeking His face. Yet, I still wanted to serve Him-- my way. I tried to go on a missions trip to China-- God said, "No." This friend of mine had asked me to go to the Dominican Republic with him... this time, God very clearly spoke to me and said, "No. He must go alone." I was disillusioned, discouraged, and as far from God as I could probably get. However... God in His mercy rescues His "Jacob" children (see post entitled "My Name is Jacob")... and in early April God had broken me and put me back together again. I found a joy and contentment that I had never known before.
From April to August I relished that new-found contentment. I had told the Lord that I would be willing to do whatever He wanted, go wherever He wanted, and be single for the rest of my life (which looked like a fairly certain prospect, in my mind). I felt that the single servant's life for me included going to grad school and getting my education degree. So, that summer I worked and applied to grad school at my parent's encouragement. Still... something about that wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it didn't seem like what God wanted. However... I pressed on.
On August 1st, we received a phone call that rocked my world-- my grandma had cancer. On August 2nd, I received a phone call that further rocked my world-- I had been denied admission to grad school. The next two weeks involved surgery for my grandma, visits to Milwaukee to be with her, and visits and phone calls to colleges to try and salvage my graduate college education and still get into classes by the end of August. I met barrier after barrier, until finally I gave up and determined that God had, once again, put roadblocks in my path to keep me from doing something that wasn't His will.
At that point, I came to a life-altering decision-- I would stay in Wautoma and teach, and I would no longer "spin my wheels" and seek to make things happen in my life. If God wanted me to leave Wautoma, then God would have to do it. Otherwise, I just planned on teaching at Faith Christian Academy for the rest of my life-- seriously. And that was all right-- because I knew God was in it, and I had learned (the hard way!) that God can be trusted and that God is faithful.
Meanwhile, back to my "friend"... I saw him several times that spring and summer. God was doing AMAZING things in his life... opening doors in his life while God was at the same time closing doors in mine. I was excited for my friend... but I was a bit miffed, too, because he was getting to do all the things that God had denied me. My friend was going to move out of state because he had been offered a ministry job... my friend was going to be at Christian Youth in Action training for two weeks full-time while I would only be there part-time... my friend was going to spend the summer in the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico. And even more distressing... that "list" of objections that I had always had about marrying this friend of mine began to disappear. As I ministered with him and spent time with him that summer, I began to realize that God was making him into the kind of man that I could spend the rest of my life with.
But, I had surrendered to singleness... and I was happy in singleness!! And this friend of mine was NOT thinking romantic thoughts toward me... I knew that. But yet... here I was, thinking that he'd make some girl an awfully good husband. And I was starting to think that maybe I wanted that girl to be... me. But, no... I wasn't going to go down that path and be disappointed. So, I prayed. I prayed that God's will would be done... in his life, and in mine. And I prayed that God would use us in the ministries He had given to us.
September, 2007, found me at my friend's parents' house at his going away/ birthday party. It was a family affair, really... yet I was invited. I felt completely at home... yet a little out of place as pretty much the only "non-family" member. He was moving to Missouri... and I was staying in Wisconsin. And so I said goodbye to my friend... and goodbye to any thought that there could ever be anything more between us than a deep friendship.
To be continued....
posted by Chanda Panda | 17:35
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